Transcendance on the Horizon

Forgot I had this thing...

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to be finally caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Well my life has been consumed with just getting by... lots of TV off my dex, more weed as of late but still not everyday. Calmed my drinking down a fair bit as well, which I'm happy about.
Last week I spent from wednesday night to sunday morning at Chris' house with his folks away, smoking weed and dimitri... filming Tarshi popping out 10 puppies and cooking a small batch of spice which lasted 24 hours after evaporating it hehe.
On dex the past couple of days it has been all about the ethnos and the studying, which is great. I've been spending hours trying to get my head around maths. I have taken this week off to rest and get myself together after a rough patch, and also give me some time to study, get an essay done and write two speeches for next week.
It's crunch time now and I have a fuckload of work to do over the next couple of weeks before exams start - but I perform better under pressure methinks.

Also an Elliot Smith song struck me last night when I couldn't sleep (as usually I fell asleep before that song started so I hadn't properly listened to it... Elliot Smith of course took prescription amphetamines it was admitted in a magazine article, and here it is:

Everything is exactly right
When I walk around here drunk every night
With an open container from 7-11
In St. Ides Heaven
I've been out haunting the neighborhood
And everybody can see I'm no good
When I'm walking out between parked cars
With my head full of stars
High on amphetamines
The moon is a lightbulb breaking
It'll go around with anyone
But it won't come down for anyone
You think you know what brings me down
That I want those things you could never allow
You see me smiling, you think it's a frown
Turned upside down
Because everyone is a fucking pro
And they all got answers from trouble they've known
And they all got to say what you should and shouldn't do
Though they don't have a clue
High on amphetamines
The moon is a lightbulb breaking
It'll go around with anyone
But it won't come down for anyone
And I won't come down for anyone

So fucking unhappy with my circumstances... and so unwilling to do anything about it.

It's not that I want to winge or anything, it's really quite the opposite, because it's nobodies fault but myself and I'm beyond caring. I'm too lazy to do anything about it really. It's not worth the bother of trying to make things better for myself compared to how comfortable I have become in my boring miserable existance void of any meaning whatsoever.

I suppose I haven't missed a single lecture of Newstep yet, which is something to be happy about, but I'm well and truly in hermit mode at present and it's been that way for a while so there is no way to celebrate - which would in turn stop me from attending Newstep... infact if I have any real life whatsoever I'll just wreck myself again and I'll be absent all the time... and even though I'm wrecking myself from alcoholism at the moment I'm sleeping and eating better (5-6hours sleep when I'm edgy, 12-14hours sleep if I'm depressed).

Simply just turning and turning in the widening gyre I suppose - and I just pray that things will actually fall apart and that centre will not hold... so that existance and civilisation will crumble away and I have an excuse not to have made anything of my life.

Don't pay any attention to me please.

It all began with going to TAFE for my one 2 hour module per week I need to do for my cert III - the timetable had been changed and my module isn't being run until next semester.
I went to the city and saw Mitch, soon being passed a capsule containing a couple of points of high quality base. We sat around, smoked cones and talked for god knows how long and eventually ended up at Kat King's 21st\housewarming for Kat, Nick Hollins, Stump and Lou.
I ate much speed and had a great night with 90's music and costumes around me. Cocojumbo deserves an honourable mention.

I ended up back at Newtown at Mitch's\Sarah's\etc with Alan having snaked my back up bed and Billy snaking my mattress so I couldn't just roll Alan onto the floor... instead I had a good talk to Dom who couldn't sleep and drank absolut with juice to kill the hours in my speed alertness and temazepam haze.
I convinced Alan he had stolen a bottle of wine off me in the morning and proceeded to drink that on the train trip home, switching to a bus at Gosford station... a bus which I fell asleep on and got kicked off at the Entrance Bridge - coming down off speed, tired and bothered, drunk and drowsy and royally pissed off.

I also lost my phone in that cesspit of the central coast. Fanfuckingtastic.

19.
Tired.

It's been blurry and\or hungover for days. I have consumed enough alcohol to kill a small elephant and combined em with a 24 hour binge of 120mg oxycodone orally and up the nostrils.
My home life is still a bit fucked up but c'est la vie - I ended up staying at Alice's on saturday after 7 rum and cokes since mum came home broken down and blind drunk, was quite upset, sniffed my last oxy with another drink and headed out to bbq with Alice's family and kept drinking until 3am or so.
I honestly can't remember what else I've done except been fucked up or been regretting getting so fucked with my stomach going insane.
Can't wait to get some clonazepam.

'a little less than a human being,
a little less than a happy high,
a little less than a suicide...'

I wish that nobody loved me... so pulling the plug would be much much easier.

By 2:30pm I'm well drunk and watching Fight Club.

2cb is wikked.

For once this is not in reference to getting way pissed and deciding to smoke cones - instead it's refering to my life being in a fucking washing machine.
Fact - Fiction, Right - Wrong, Good - Evil, Old - New and basically every duality is blurring into one, or so it seems anyway.

Am I being had???

I'm fucking so tired and drained, I really am. I need to cut a lot of shit out and start doing things properly.

Drama seems to follow me around like a fucking plague. My mother turned out to recover well from booze and gambling - about as well as I seem to do when trying to kick habits, which is awful as you all know.

I can't wait to eventually sleep, 'leave the world unseen' and all the rest.
A bottle of xanax and a bottle of tequila would go down a treat - 2mg bars on the tounge and lipsipsucking em down, repeating until I got dizzy and passed out choking on my own vomit... wake up in the emergency room after a stomach pump and a fat glass of charcoal - and then I'd shank the fucking RN treating me as I would have been having a mad time in a black zip up bag if it wasn't for them.

For some reason I feel like everybody makes me sick tonight.

Bitch, moan and all the rest. It's too tiring to bother with it really... surely not helping or getting me anywhere I suppose.

one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away

both under influense
we had demons in
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

one night of magic rush
the start of simple touch
one night to push and scream
and make believes.

ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

and you, you knew you had to fight devil
and you, kept us away with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

Well after being sick for the days before (including during a DOC trip which was quite unpleasant), I still dragged my ass down to the Wild Westie party at Toongabbie... I had an extremely good time.
Because of my stomach I didn't drink much, a few glasses of champagne early in the evening and a few around midnight (with a couple of tequila slammers in between). I did however have 1.5 tabs of acid (and a few rails), which although were quite weak still did the trick without having me completely and utterly tripping balls surrounded by cowboy hats and fake gats (all with the orange tips cut off).
Chris had a wild night and lots of fun, Dave got extremely smashed... Chris was talking crazy shit to everybody (2 + 2 = 5???) and seemed to provide entertainment for my friends.
The music was awesome all night, with people mixing on and off and some excellent tunes being pumped. My dearest ended up having 2.5 bics over the night leaving her blissed out on the grass in the early hours of the morning. I really enjoyed laying on the grass with my acid at its peak after midnight and my lovely grinningly smackin out in my arms. 3 NYE's in a row on the cid now, and it's a tradition I can't imagine breaking for a few more years.
Although I didn't sleep I spent a few hours all up laying down with Alice resting whilst she slept, deciding to get up at sunrise for changa spliffs. Followed by the idea from Nic of putting on wu-tang and NWA loudly at 7am. After Alice awoke she sat down at the table to a bottle of amyl - damn that shit is horrid but entertaining at the same time.
We got back to the coast and all up agreed it was a wonderful occaision and a fuckn sick party.

I think we can all agree that this photo sums me up on the evening...
( Photo of me... )

Edit: This post has been edited since it was not originally posted by me or with my consent - the content of which however deserves to be kept as a post, but has been edited due to awful punctuation and abbreviations.

I am cranky because there isn't any ketchup.

Alice and I awoke at 11:45 or so - quite a decent sleep in... and after going downstairs I found a message on my phone telling me that my next door neighbour would be around at 1pm with beers. Everything after that has been a bit of a blur really, but I ended up with: Kyle (American wanting to buy weed), Alice (girlfriend), Chris Salmon (psychonaut), Ariel (Chris Salmons ex girlfriend on holiday down from Lismore for Christmas and was once in my grade at CCGS... extremely long description in comparison to the others eh?), Dave (Next Door Neighbour).
To tell you the truth I'm too smashed to really talk about anything more accept that I keep getting the desire to run and grab my water bottle only to remember I hid it at the top of my wardrobe now that it contains DOC (psychedelic phenethylamine lasting 30hrs all up) and I needed it out of sight so I wouldn't drink it by accident.

P.S. I haven't worn a shirt ALL day.

So in love...

No Christmas for John Quays
Come on get a bit of fucking guts into it
What what
Well the powders reach you
And the powders teach you
But when you find they can't reach you
There is no Christmas for junky
He thinks he is
More interesting
Than the world
Ah but five fags
Puts him in a whirl
I'll have a packet of three-five fives
You fucking [full of money] or something for Christ's sake?
I'll have a packet of three-five fives
I'll have 20 of those over there
I'll have 20 No.6 for a headache
And I've had enough right there, stop
(Why is this)
Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah
He spits in the sky
It falls in his eye
And then he gets to sitting
Talking to his kitten
Talking about Frankie Lymon
Tell me why is it so?
Tell me why is it so?
Why did the sky break today?
Why did this happen today?
He gets out of his face with the Idle Race
He gets out of the room with this tune
Although the skins are thin
He knows its up to him
To go out or stay in
I'll stay in
I'll stay in
Have a break
You
Me
X-Mas
X-Mas
Well the powders reach you
And the powders teach you
But when you find they can't reach you
There is no Christmas for junky
There is no girls
Just the traffic passing by
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Open the room, there's a cloud of smoke
Will you fucking get it together instead of showing off?
Give me one
Give me B
Give me three
Give me D
No X-mas for John Quays

Jizzed on Rose's skirt...